Can you dance with me?

Cause if you can't, I'm impossible to hold on to.

I have noticed, I'm really sporadic... I like being able to jump from thing to thing. I like challenges. I like puzzles and figuring things out. I like simple things for complicated reasons. I love having little tiny adventures each day. I love learning new things. I want someone to be able to join me in this search for everything the world has to offer.

Life is a dance. The beauty and grace of how each day flows into another must be reciprocated by our own movements. To merely stand still or perform a set of repetitive moves makes the dance limited and boring. I want to be tossed and spun around by life. I'm probably the least graceful person I know, but mistakes and falls create their own beauty. They make this dance ours in a way that no one else could perform it. So I hope to be able to let go and get lost in the music.

What a day.

Happy birthday to me. Guess what my present is? Fixing my car. :( Here's the low down.

I'm driving back to St. Louis from home, and everything is all good. I stop by the Columbia mall to run to the bathroom and stretch my legs. I come back out and start up my car. It starts with this awful grinding noise. I turn off my car and start it again. Grrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnd. :( I call my mom and she helps me figure out what to do. I check the oil. Fine. I turn on the car and hold out my phone for my mom to hear the noise. She didn't like it either, so I called a friend of mine that lives here in Columbia. He came and we were able to drive the car a short distance to a repair shop. I spent the night with my friend's family, and went to the repair shop around 8 this morning. I've been here about 3 hours now. First off, my A/C Compressor locked up. In order to fix this you have to replace the part which is not cheap. Ok well... if we can get it fixed and get me back on the road, then it'll be ok. Well, there's a hole in my exhaust and my gasket cover is leaking. Fine, fix those too. Ok so, we have to order a part from out of town because your engine doesn't match any of the parts in town. Fine, whatever. The part comes in. Oh.... it doesn't fit. Ok so we can fix everything else, find a belt to bypass the part and that'll get you home. You just won't have A/C. I'll have to bring my car back in when I come in two weeks for the junior youth animator training. They'll have the right part for me then, and I won't have to spend $1000 for the dealer to fix it. Man. What a birthday. :/

*KAWOOSH*

I cannot believe that there was a time that I felt like I had nothing to do. I seem to be constantly having to cut things out or prioritizing others and then shoving other things to the back of the line. I feel really stressed out with trying to balance my service (which in and of itself is fairly full), ceramics, english, homework/studio time, applying for colleges/scholarships (and all of the essays to write for that), sleep, eating, keeping my sanity, being with the people around me, and other little odds and ends that should have been done AGES ago (such as graduation thank you cards). Everywhere I look, there's more and more and more and more and more and more stuff for me to do. Since moving to St. Louis, it's been like wading through water. At first just my toes got wet, and I was walking through some very shallow water for a while and then as more things started happening the water came up to about my knees. Then school started and I began to babysit regularly and the water came up to my waist. Suddenly as deadlines become apparent and other activities are occurring, it's as if there was a sudden drop off and I'm struggling to stay afloat. Thanksgiving is going to be my life preserver to hold onto until the life boat of winter break comes to save me.

A Change of Pace

Yay for new blog layout. :) It's nice to change some things up once in a while.

I have ACTUALLY needed to use one of those planner/calendar/things lately. It's rather difficult to get into the habit of doing when after having one for 8 years and never using it! There's just been so much going on, that's it's hard to keep everything straight.

It's nice to be busy though. I've been spending quite a lot of time in the ceramics studio. Right now I'm working on a two and a half foot porcelain tree. I'm kind of excited for it. :) The tree so far is coming along really well. I'm excited.

I've been doing quite a few children's classes lately. I've got three separate classes going, which has been proving to be quite a bit of planning. It's been fun though. I'm really excited for the children's class that started today.

Speaking of being excited, I'm going to visit Robin this next weekend. I'll go on Friday afternoon and then come back sometime on Sunday. Friday night is a Halloween party and I've got a really awesome costume. I'm excited. :D Plus, I'll be able to stay for the famed Sunday brunch. Awesome.

As strange as it might sound to say, I've really appreciated feeling really happy again. There have been some good times since I've moved up here, but I'm finally starting to actually feel really happy. There are just a few things that I have to work on (such as cleaning my room) and then everything would be just perfect. I've especially been noticing this when I've been in the ceramics studio practically skipping everywhere and a huge grin taking up more than half of my face. It's been just great. :D

Happyness. It's a good thing.

I'm a big kid now!

So, college. Yup. That thing. It's officially started now. I've met in both of my classes now, and I'm excited. I have English Comp 101 and Ceramics 2. The English class is just another English class, BUT (!!!) the exciting part is that it's only 50 minutes for three days a week (rather than the hour and a half during high school). Don't worry English teachers out there (more specifically my English teacher last year); I do enjoy literature (I am currently reading a Twelfth Night, Major Barbara, Grimm's Fairy Tales, and The Glass Castle), but I'm really not hip on the English part, the learning-how-to-write part. I don't really like essays. I can do them, but I don't like them. This class is going to be a challenge for me because of that. Also, so far I haven't seen anything that indicates that this class will actually be interesting to pay attention in. We'll just have to see.

Now, for the exciting part:
CLAY!!!! Oh beautiful, glorious clay!!! I love this class. It's intense (which will make it challenging), but I'm so excited for this challenge. My mind is already racing with new ideas for projects, figuring out ways to stretch my limits. :) I love the style of the professor, and I'm already making friends in the class. Yay! This is going to be an awesome semester/year. :D

Random thought:

I just saw the letters NJ (referring to the state) and immediately processed it as saying ninja. I am now proclaiming that the sate of New Jersey is a ninja. This has no particular reference to anyone in or from the state being a ninja, but simply stating that the small bit of land that comprises New Jersey is a ninja.

~_~

The Gypsy Life

So, things have been pretty crazy lately. I've been living out of a suit case, and not because I'm too lazy to unpack. I haven't lived anywhere for more than 2 weeks at a time. I moved on June 29th and haven't really stayed put since. I think it was the day before I moved, I found out that the woman we were planning on me staying with was going to be moving in August, so only living there a month was to be expected. However, two weeks into my stay Nebraska Baha'i School occurred. I went to that especially to see my mom (I was quite homesick at this point because home I knew was no longer actually home). I did get to meet some pretty awesome youth, and reconnect with some equally awesome people too. Plus a refresher on book 5 is always welcome. :) So a few days after I get home from Nebraska I get a call asking if I might be available to house sit. Since the house didn't need much more than for someone to live in it, I accepted. That ends on the third, and then on the 13th I'm moving to yet another house. I guess to sum that up:
Got here.
Was here for two weeks.
Went to Nebraska.
Was back for a few days.
House sitting for a week and a half.
Go back to first house for a few days shy of two weeks.
Move to new house.
All within a month and a half.

I've learned that I am not one to hop around from place to place. Sure, I love traveling, but I want to come back somewhere that I have roots. I like being able to be somewhere long enough to actually know where things go. It's amazing how comforting it is to know where things belong. Right now, I'm subsisting. I really want to be efficient though. However, efficiency comes with time and learning. We'll just see how this all goes.

TADA!

I now have wireless internet set up in the house where I am currently living. :) I've been having to learn a lot more about computers lately because of having to get mine set up.

The woman I am living with just got internet on Wednesday and so I set everything up for her. This has definitely proved to be a learning experience because I had never had to set up and install a modem before. Same with the wireless router. All is good now! It's really great to be able to be in my room and talk to people online. Anyone up for a video chat? :P

So far things have been slowly building up. The weekends are the busiest with the IPG efforts, and I've had quite a bit of down time during the week. I'm hoping to find some devotional meetings that go on during the week so I can build up contacts and such. I'm really excited for this weekend because my friend Hannah is going to come and help for 10 days, and I'm going to be hanging out with the family that I stayed with last summer. It's going to be really nice to be around someone that I actually know. :) It's been hard for me in that respect (being homesick), but I'm sure as time goes by and things get busier, all will be well.

I'm HERE!

Well, it didn't take me long to find a St. Louis Bread Co. around here. :)

So, I'm here now in St. Louis and have immediately been given a taste of what's going to be happening around here. It's really great. At 11 today a group of Baha'is got together and we went out on several home visits. There were 8 adults so we split into 3 groups, and the visits were really productive. For my group, we didn't get to see both of the people that we wanted to visit, but the one we did see said that she felt better and really enjoyed meeting with us. We had intended to just stay for maybe 10 minutes talking about things and looking at a quote or two, but we ended up staying for almost a half hour. It was really fun talking to her though. I really really enjoy actual discussion (even if I'm just listening). I love to hear about what other people think and feel about things. :)

So I got home and thought.... now what? I don't really have anything planned for the rest of my day. I decided to explore a bit and get on here. I can't wait for all of my new connections to be developed and for things to really take off. I will try to update often, but we'll just have to see how this internet thing works out.

Tomorrow....

The big day.

Moving day.

It might be a while before you hear from me again on here.

Things are a bit rocky with where I'm going to live. I have heard that the woman I'm going to be staying with in St. Louis will be moving, so I'll have to find another place to stay. Luckily, there seems to be an option with this one family that usually takes in foreign exchange students. A huge major plus is that these people have pets. I cannot even describe how much I missed having some kind of pet around last summer. Dogs are the best and cats aren't bad (but I'd take them over having nothing any day). So that's kind of exciting... It'll be interesting to see how all of this pans out when I actually get there.

Another exciting thing about moving to St. Louis is that there is an actual Apple store there! Woot!!! My macbook didn't actually come with iLife and I had called them before, but the technical support had said that they couldn't mail it (and I understand that. Anyone could just call in and say whatever). So finally today I called in and was able to make an appointment to get everything set on my computer. It'll be really nice to have iPhoto and Garageband. I'm super excited about having this computer while I'm there because then we could do some pretty incredible projects for junior youth and children's classes!!! Also, I've been apart of some pretty incredible devotions that would be awesome to record. :) This'll be fun.

I'm more excited today about going... Last night was not a good night. There have been a few times before that I get so anxious that I will get physically sick. Thankfully, it wasn't so bad last night, but it was almost impossible for me to get to sleep. Then when I did, I had some odd dreams that were pretty obviously influenced by how nervous I felt. I have found that when I get particularly nervous I have a dream about me getting married and something goes wrong. In one case I was attacked by my husband-to-be's aunt and 14 year old cousin. They ended up pushing me in front of an industrial van. Last night, I was getting marred but then all of the flowers started to rot whenever I walked by and it smelled really really bad. People actually got up and left because of it. Eventually I was left standing alone with the stench. And as sad as these dreams might sound in hindsight, they really weren't that bad going through them, and I kind of look back at them as pretty comical. In both of them I was wearing really ugly 80's style wedding dresses, and after the fact I realized in my dreams that I didn't actually want to marry the grooms that were there. Who knows what crazy stuff my next nervous-induced dream will bring.

6 Days.

I've been having a bit of trouble lately in accepting the fact that I'm leaving Kansas in 6 days. I'm moving to St. Louis, and currently there isn't much of a chance that I'll be living in Kansas again any time soon. I'll be gone for a year for sure, and then who knows where I'll go to college. If I had the opportunity to go anywhere regardless of cost then I'd totally be in New York at Alfred University. It's perfect. But, that also means that I would spend the next 5 years outside of Kansas. I'm having a really hard time in letting go of everything that I know and have become accustomed to. I've been a bit of an emotional roller coaster through this process. On one hand, I'm really excited to go. I'll be in a new place with new people and new things to discover. I'll be able to meet and connect with an innumerable amount of people. Plus, the best reason of all, I'll be serving the Faith. On the other hand, I'm going to be in a place that I am not all that familiar with. Sure, I know some places and some people, but not like I know Wichita. I actually can figure out how to get home without going an hour out of my way in order to do it. I'll also be living pretty much independently. I actually have to be responsible... What? Since when? It's just a crazy frenzy going on right now.

Oh the fickle fiends that profit from our addictions.

So, I'll be moving to St. Louis sometime this month, and so far it looks like I'll be living with this one woman who lives about 15 minutes away from everywhere I need to be. However, one drawback is that this woman is not very technically savvy and does not actually have internet access. I've been looking for different broadband options, but the location of where I'll be isn't actually covered by a multitude of broadband/dsl providers. Personally, I would rather not usurp the oh so precious wi-fi at Panera and other such places that taunt me with their free internet access. You see, it may be free wi-fi at first glance, but wishing to be a true and honest person I'd have to buy a coffee or a muffin or some bread in order to compensate for my internet lechery. I kind of wish the whole country would go wi-fi already and that the cost of it would just come from sales tax or something. (Note, I do not actually understand the dealings of the US government so if this is actually completely absurd please refrain from verbally attacking me.) In any case, I am completely dumbfounded as to what I can do then. I plead for your help!

Thank you.

I offer my sleep to you oh great nocturnal monkey gods!

My system seems to go into overdrive whenever the time goes past 12 AM.

I tend to do a lot of things only when I feel like it. Like now I've been dreading going through my room because it's in such a state of distress. I kind of wish Clean Sweep would just magically show up at our door and make it so Mom doesn't have to riffle through all that I have left behind. Sadly I'm not sure if they have that show anymore... Oh well, I've got to get this printer off my bed so I can at least read in bed.

Although I do have to add that I am writing this on a very handy dandy iPod touch! :) Right now I'm having difficulty deciding on if I'm going to keep this (which has less memory but was free) or keep my old one (which I use for transfering files on the hard drive). There's a bit of a war going on in my family as to who gets my rejected iPod. Both would be quite a gift to recieve. So we'll just see what happens.

Oh and I got the book Candide by Voltaire and it is hilarious. You can't read it in anything but a crazy British accent, but it's the funniest thing you've ever read if you do. Good times. I do have to gives kudos to Reed for suggesting such a fine specimen of a book. :)

Walking Into the Unknown

So, it seems as if I'll be moving to St. Louis in about two weeks. Crazy huh? I'm super excited about it because of my experiences last summer and just how everything was so confirming. I know nothing occurs the same way twice, but I'm hoping at least that this year of service can generate somewhat of the same kind of effect.

In my excitement, I am also very nervous. I have to be responsible. I will be an adult now, and it's a little scary. It seems almost like a paradox because all this time I've been wanting responsibility, adulthood, the ability to make my own decisions, yet now that that's what's happening, I'm so unsure about it. I know everything will be alright and everything will work out in the end. Definitely going to be praying a lot about all of this.

Yippie!!!

I am finally a high school graduate. How awesome. I'm really excited for the future. I can't wait to get started on my year of service, and I'm hopeful for college.

Another exciting thing is that I'm going to have a few pieces exhibited in City Hall for about a month. :D I'm super excited about that. There's a possibility that if someone likes one of my pieces enough then I could sell it. :) Although, most of my pieces are already predestined to be given to someone or other.

I'm hoping to get a lap top soon. I really want a mac book (I could never use a pc again. Bleh. They're just annoying now.). I'm hoping to get a black one (I think the white ones stain way too easily.) But I'm really happy. Yay for getting ready to leave the nest. :)

Got Art?

So, life has been buzzing with activity lately. I have been having a hard time coping with the frustrations and stress of some of my other classes; HOWEVER (!) my drug of choice lately (phrase often used by my psychology teacher) has been to completely immerse myself into the art world. It seems that the more stressful my life gets in other areas, I focus my attention and frustrations into getting some art done. Currently, I have 5 projects started and in different stages of completion. I also have another 2 GIANT projects in the planning/beginning stage. I am excited though. I've never had so much fun being stressed out. lol.

Projects that are going:
1. Dr. Seuss carved teapot for Mom. Will be glazed, fired, and finished.
2. Cup that will be bisqued and then I'll do some cool design on it.
3. Bottle that will be bisqued and then some cool glaze job.
4. The Funeral March of Marionettes. Creepiest music box ever. Also, disturbingly amusing. Pictures will come when finished
5. Watercolor painting. It's supposedly of a dancer, only it's extremely abstract with some almost unintentional symbolism as well. Something is missing though... don't really know what.

New projects:
1. Painting gnarly hobo teeth and tongue on the dark room door in Mr. G's room. He's already got a face over it, but it doesn't have a mouth. Also, disturbingly amusing.
2. CUBIC FACES!!!! I'm painting a giant mural (taller than I am and almost as wide as I am tall) of faces in the cubist style. I'm excited. :) I talk to the principal on Monday to see about hanging it in the school for an extended period of time.

Yay!

Such is life....

So... a lot of things have been going on lately. I've mostly been swamped with homework. My English teacher's idea for the cure to our senioritis* is to give us even more work than usual. This past weekend we had to read almost 200 pages as well as write an essay. This might sound like a lame complaint, however, my weekend was packed with other things. Friday we celebrated my aunt's birthday and no one left our house until about 10:15 PM. Saturday, I was up bright and early at 6:20 AM to go babysit at my neighbor's house for 13 hours. Sunday, I had a choir concert right in the middle of the day. Sunday night, I got about 4 hours of sleep (trying to lighten my load for Monday night) and then Monday night, I got about 3 hours of sleep. woo. Yesterday was kind of crazy too because I had junior youth group to do, which we ended early so that I could then go to my brother's work's reception. He works at Barnes and Nobles and they're opening a new store, so we got a sneak peek! Really, before the reception thing, I was feeling really stressed out, but then afterwards I was about as happy as can be! It's amazing the therapeutic power of books and good conversation. Now, if only I could remember that one book's title, I'd be all good. lol Actually, the real icing on my cake would be for me to find the wild goose in my little chase: the infamous book whose cover is white with a big orange dot on it.


*so called "disease" that almost all seniors undergo within the last few months of high school to where there is a lack of motivation to do work and an increase in procrastination

Oh, hello.

I almost half forgot that you were there.

So many things have happened in the past... while... lol. Right now you're just going to get a random stream of thought because my brain isn't coherent enough to give you anything else.

Attention: In the blog entry below, I mention many times the phrase "starting my life." This phrase is not suggesting that I haven't already had a life for the 18 years I have experienced on this earth, but that I will be almost completely independent. I will be taking my life into my own hands and will be solely responsible for everything that I do. That is what I mean by "starting my life."

I find it interesting that lately my priorities have definitely been showing their true colors lately. A lot about where I am right now drives me crazy and brings little enjoyment (I said a lot, not everything). I feel so ready to start my life and make mistakes without someone breathing down my neck just waiting for me to tell them that they were right and I was wrong (not intentionally, but that's what it feels like). One thing about being able to really start my life is that I've kind of been "pruning" a lot of the things that seem unnecessary. Strangely, so far that has mostly been people and the events associated with them. I really don't have any desire to go to prom. Yeah, it'd be cool to get dressed up and go out, but... why not dinner and a trip to an art gallery or something? What ever happened to pj's and funny movies while performing food experiments? I'm finding that I have very little patience for extravagance and impractical frivolity.

On another note, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I know it will have something to do with art, though. Art is just too amazing to give up. I really am the happiest when I'm able to create something, when I have that complete focus on one particular thing which is impossible to stray from until it is done. My brother and sister-in-law are especially encouraging me to do art full time (which I think would be the most amazing thing in the world), but trying to think practically, I haven't quite allowed myself to hope for such a fantastic thing. I am hoping to do some research on the subject, though. There's this thing called Final Friday where participating galleries allow anyone and everyone in for free on the last Friday of every month. I'm hoping to be able to visit some of the local artists and see how they are able to make a living from their artwork. We shall definitely see though.

Today, I went to an art competition at Friends University. It was fun. I made my first wire sculpture ever (below), and also competed in the tallest clay competition. I didn't win anything for either, but I did break a personal record for tallest clay. Also, I got honorable mention for my casserole (also below). That was exciting. With this whole experience of preparing for and going to this event, I feel very intense yet very collected and confident about working in clay (especially throwing on the wheel). Today, especially in that account, has been absolutely fantastic.


For this, I am aiming to add a colored wire to make some kind of tulip-esque flower rather than the... conglomeration that is currently there.

Immune System of a God

It's insane how sick everyone has been. You walk around my house and every 5 minutes someone is hacking their brains out. Granted it's getting better. I'm the only one that hasn't been bitten by this horrible bug. Let's just hope it stays that way.

Although, despite the fact that I'm not coughing my abs into shape, I haven't exactly been feeling on top of the world. It's been crazy, but since about Tuesday I've been getting these awful headaches that even 800 mg of Ibuprofen won't touch. We think they're tension headaches because my back has been so tight. My spine has been crazy too because when I run my fingers over it, they don't go straight up and down. Bleh. I've been doing my exercises, but that just doesn't really seem to be enough.

The Endless Torment of My Mind

I generally have this tendency to get an idea in my head of something that I need to fix, do, or plan out, and I get so focused solely on that particular thing until it's at a point where I can look at it (or the situation) and it is "done" or has a feeling of being finished. Granted, this doesn't always happen with absolutely everything that I do, just things that I feel strongly about.

Most of the time this focus comes when I'm working on homework (away from distractions (aka the computer)) and I don't stop until it's finished (at least what I can finish). Most of the time, to the apprehension of my mother, I don't stop to eat, or even eat while I work. When I'm in my "focus zone" things like eating and sleep seem quite trivial. I'm working on that, though. Health is important. (<-- to all relatives reading and possibly worried by previous statement.)

So, in relation to this, I've really been trying to figure out my future (because it is so important to me, and the subject comes up so many times). Each day I kind of take an internal study of everything that I had done, the reasons behind it, and how it affects me (it's actually less deliberate than it sounds... more half-subconscious). Through this, I've been finding out more about my strengths, and I'm really not sure about my ability to deal with being a psychologist on a day to day basis, especially a child psychologist. To hear and witness the problems facing small children, that would drive even a normal adult to the edge, every single day seems... overwhelming. Also, I really don't think I'd be able to deal with adults every day either. I simply wouldn't have the patience. I don't think I am emotionally stable enough to be able to help these people, no matter how much I would want to. Especially lately, I have avoided contact with people except for a select few. I wonder if I could handle a job where I have prolonged contact with people (and forming relationships with them) every single day. As normal as that seems it feels really intimidating to me... I'm not good with new people. In new situations, I like to be quiet and separate from everything so I can figure out what's going on. I really don't like awkward moments and I always feel like I have to do something to break them. I just don't know if I could handle that.

Lately, ceramics has been drawing my eye more and more. During the day, when I'm just sitting in a class I just have this craving to have some clay between my hands to mold, or I daydream about what I'm going to make next. I can't see myself not having clay apart of my life whether it's my job or a very very expensive hobby. The only thing about it though, is that I don't know enough about the clay world to be able to say that I want to do it for a living. I'm not sure if there is a job involving clay that would fit me. Who knows? I've got some research to do.